Thursday, January 13, 2011

Resistance is Futile.

LISTENING POST 072-4815162342
LOCATION: Facebook Headquarters
DATE: 12 January 2011
TIME: 2015 Zulu


Mark Zuckerberg: Who the f--- is David Kazzie?

Unknown Subject (UnSub): We're working on that, sir. He runs a little humor blog called the Corner. I use the word humor loosely.

Zuckerberg: And he has the gall to resist the profile upgrade?

UnSub: Apparently, he fancies himself some sort of revolutionary. He keeps blathering about it on his Facebook page.

Zuckerberg: If he's so unhappy, he can just delete his account.

UnSub: Uh, no, actually, he can't. Remember, we removed that feature over the summer? You were planning to do a press release entitled "Facebook is Forever"?

Zuckerberg: Right. It's on my to-do list. So he's a blogger? Oh, that is so delicious. He thinks he's got an online presence. What does he have, 98 followers?

UnSub: Uh, 77.

Zuckerberg: 77? Facebook added 77 new users in the time it took me to say this sentence.

UnSub: He's been on our radar since October sir. He wrote a YouTube video-

Zuckerberg: YouTube. Please. More like PooTube.

UnSub: Yes, sir. Anyway, he wrote a video and posted it on YouTube.

Zuckerberg: Are you deaf? I want it called PooTube.

UnSub: Right. So anyway, his video about Law School was shared on Facebook more than 80,000 times. It's gotten more than a million hits on You... I mean... PooTube.

Zuckerberg: He should be kissing my ass. He should've been first in line to upgrade. He should've been-

UnSub: He wrote another video you should see.

Zuckerberg: Really?

UnSub: It's called So You Want to Close Your Facebook Account. It's been around for a couple months. About 60,000 hits.

[Sounds of loud banging, glass breaking]

Zuckererg: Give me your iPhone. I want to see it now.

UnSub: Yes sir.

[Five minutes and sixteen seconds of silence]

Zuckerberg: Interesting. Do you think he knows about Phase Two?

UnSub: Anything is possible, sir.

Zuckerberg: If this gets out...

UnSub: I know, sir.

Zuckerberg: We have no choice. Implement the Farmville protocol.

Unsub: [Unintelligible]

Zuckerberg: Just do it!


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