As dictated to me by my son
To my revolutionary brothers and sisters under the age of ten!
1. My parents control 100 percent of the wealth in my house. I control none. I'm not real clear on how the whole money thing works, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting the short end of the stick on this one.
2. I am receiving a high-quality public education, and yet every day, I am reduced to menial tasks like taking my plate to the sink after dinner and putting my allegedly “dirty” clothes in the hamper.
3. I am required, over my staunch objection and in violation of my constitutional rights, to make regular visits to a physician, where I am subjected to invasive physical examinations and a series of painful vaccinations. There is a growing body of evidence suggesting that vaccinations cause a gigantic needle the size of a sword to be jabbed into your upper arm. And then they have the audacity to buy my silence regarding this radical experimentation with a lollipop! I like the cherry one.
4. I am subject to excessive regulation. My 7:30 p.m. bedtime stifles my creativity and ability to expand my knowledge base regarding the aerodynamic properties of my Hot Wheels cars. And who knows what totalitarian shenanigans my parents are up to after I fall asleep?
5. Each year, in the dark of winter, I must navigate a confusing bureaucratic process in which I appeal to a morbidly obese elf to deliver much-needed supplies to replace items that are missing, destroyed or left at my friend Conner’s house. Jiminy Christmas, a guy shatters his Nintendo DS on August 11, and he’s supposed to wait four-and-a-half months for a replacement? How’s that new iPhone, “Dad”? The old one broken? Oh, right, it still works perfectly.
The humiliation includes standing in a long line in an overheated shopping mall to visit with the elf, at which time a surveillance photograph of our meeting is taken. I must then follow visit this up with written correspondence, and then I must also part with precious cookies and milk on the evening prior to the allegedly “guaranteed delivery” of all items.
Sounds like lot of cronyism to me.
6. So dire are my circumstances that I am willing to rip my own tooth out of my mouth in the hope that one of our few allies, code-named Tooth Fairy, will enter my room while I am asleep, place her cold, spectral hand under my pillow, and leave me a quarter.
7. Ask my mom the last time she respected my Fourth Amendment rights. Every time I look up, that woman is in my underwear drawer under the pretext of “putting away my laundry.” I decline her “invitation” to put my own clothes away because that’s just what she would want!
8. This “government” has the gall to provide me with an allowance and then dictate the manner in which I can spend it! I have to put away 50 percent into savings, which I am not allowed to touch. This is definitely some kind of –ism the American people cannot afford to let into their homes.
9. Yet again, I had zero input into tonight's dinner selection. What the hell is Swiss chard, anyway? If this country were as free as you claim it is, there'd be an empty bowl of mac-and-cheese in front of me.
We are the 99 percent!
Gather up your Nerf guns!
Hey. It’s getting dark out here.