Wednesday, January 4, 2012

10 Fake Things to Know About Twitter

Over the past year or so, Twitter has become an invaluable tool for mocking the Kardashians and overthrowing brutal dictatorships while ushering in fledgling democracies (sometimes all in a single Tweet). But it's not necessarily the most intuitive platform to work with, and it's loaded with traps for the unwary (a delightful phrase that lawyers like to use about arcane rules of procedure).

Now, if you've learned all there is to know about @ replies and RT's and the like, then you're ready for Twitter 201, which will study the site's most archaic rituals and customs, the ones that you must know if you wish to succeed on Twitter. Because much to Facebook's disappointment, it looks like Twitter is here to stay.

Without further ado, here are the 10 things you need to know to succeed on Twitter.

1. You need to profess your love of thick-cut bacon or gourmet coffee early on, or you will be viewed with suspicion. Loving bacon-wrapped-bacon that you've deep-fried in coffee makes you seem more "human" and less "botty" *actual word I just made up* because everyone knows that bots can't eat bacon. Stupid bots!  Just make sure -- and this is really important -- that it's an obscure bacon mined from the fat of an invisible talking pig or coffee picked from Martian beanfields. Otherwise, it's the Twitter equivalent of yet another Saturday night watching Mr. Belvedere reruns with Mom and Dad for you.

2. Ever wonder why bots and spammers are "cleverly" disguised as good-looking women? Because men are stupid. Yeah, guys, @SinKatie2533xzz really IS a 22-year-old Midwestern college girl interested in your Tweets about The Wire and pizza.

3. Follow indiscriminately, because despite the fact that you can't keep up with your parents, your older sister, and the three first cousins you actually like, you will be able to be good friends with 2,136 people who don't have time to read your Tweets either.

4. In your bio, it's very important to note one of the following: (1) you are a "Free Thinker" or a "Motivator," (2) you love puppy farts, or (3) you wish you lived inside the warm and cozy uterus of the sun. Also, announcing that you don't auto-follow will make your new followers think of Boggs from The Shawshank Redemption, when he says, "hard to get ... I like that..." after Andy ignores him in the shower.

5. Being extremely aggressive with your tweets shows how on top of things you are. It also helps to use multiple exclamation points* and ALL CAPS. It's like saying, "I got this Life thing DOWN!!!" *No more than three exclamation points. Four, and you just look fucking ridiculous.

6. When you get a new follower who has fewer followers than you, it's generally considered impolite to publicly tweet your disappointment in them. It's best to put on the Ellen Griswold face from Christmas Vacation when Cousin Eddie and his crew show up and she says, "We have plenty of room!"

7. Hashtags, Part I: It's a scientific fact that everything is funnier when preceded by the pound sign. #notjustforcustomerserviceanymore. See how I did that?

8. Hashtags, Part II: The number of hashtags you use is inversely proportional to your level of self-esteem, so be judicious with them lest you come across like the "chubby-15-year-old-boy-who-once-spent-three-hours dialing-the-first-six-digits-of-a-girl's-number" I once was. Un-hashtagged Tweets are sexy. It's the Internet equivalent of dropping your mike on the stage and walking away. THWOOMP! Retweet THAT, bitches!

9. Hey, Tough Guy With 8 Followers: Nothing says "sincere" like the auto-reply direct message to someone who just started following you.

10. Make sure to show your silly side by always using the phrase nom nom nom when discussing what you just ate, what you're currently eating, or what you are about to eat, because hundreds of people who wouldn't blink an eye if you were smooshed by a decrepit Russian satellite falling back to Earth are extremely interested in what you're shoveling into your piehole.

So there you go. You nail these ten things, and before you know it, you will have many followers who can't remember why they are following you in the first place!

Retweet THAT, bitches! (Please? Pretty please?) 


  1. That's hilarious.

    The hashtag trend is out of control. I wonder if people even understand what the hashtag is for anymore?

  2. Still ROFL over #4!!!!!!! And yes, I'm guilty of hashtag abuse (in fact, if I'm honest, I'm guilty of 70% of these). I have too many friends (and REAL friends--not the 1100 fake ones) who are constantly luring me into twitter silliness. :)

    Oh, and did you know that if you serve your puppy dogfood made from talking horses (Mr. Ed brand works best) it's even bigger props than eating bacon yourself?? That's because your puppy will fart letters like the caterpillar's hookah smoke in Disney's Alice cartoon. This is true.

    Now, to prove that I'm twitter savvy, I'm going to go find where you tweeted this in your thread and RT you instead of taking the easy way and just using the blue birdie button below. HA!

    Good to see you David, and hope you're having an awesome start to 2012!

  3. Robert -- thanks again, bud!

    Oh, Anita -- I think we're all guilty of most of these! glad to hear from you, and hope your year has been lovely so far. I mean, it's only 10 days old -- how much trouble could it cause so far? *holds breath*