Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Writer's Paradise

In honor of all writers, here's a parody of Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise I wrote called Writer's Paradise.

Or maybe it's a parody of Weird Al's Amish Paradise, which itself is a parody of Gangsta's Paradise.

Either way, it's a parody.

P.S. - Being a lawyer, I actually went and did legal research to make sure it was OK to do a parody. Turns out parody enjoys a great deal of legal protection. Thank you, 2 Live Crew!

I actually thought about making a video of myself performing this, wearing a hoodie and whatnot, but trust me, I've done the world a HUGE favor by not doing so. Who knows. Maybe if this blog post gets 100,000 hits or something.

P.S. If anyone wants to perform this, feel free -- all I ask is that you give me credit for the lyrics.

________________________________________
As I click through the Twitter and the blog-o-sphere
I put down my iPhone but there's nobody else here
'Cause I've been Tweetin' and bloggin' so long
That my wife texted me and said that she was gone
But I ain't never read a blogger that didn't deserve it
Me, be treated like a spammer, no, sir, uh-uh

Better watch how you query, and you better not rush
Or you and your book might be lying in slush
I really hate to edit, but I gotta cut
As the word count grew, I saw the purple prose, dude
I'm the kinda writer MFA students wanna be like;
Eating Cheetos late at night,
Sunburned by my Mac's light;

Drinking a large coffee, living in the Writer's Paradise
E-mailing my book to me, living in the Writer's Paradise
Psyched about new mail, living in the Writer's Paradise
Sad face when I see it's from me, living in the Writer's Paradise

I got the dialogue, I got the backstory,
I got lotsa online friends, I'm going for the glory,
So I wanna be on the couch watching television
Too much House Hunters keep me from revision
I'm a deluded writer with book signings on my mind
Got red pen in my hand and red veins in my eyes,

I'm a desperate author, weekly blogger
And my Internet is down, so I jack my neighbor's FIOS,
Form rejection ain't nothing but an e-mail away,
Submitting to a small pub, what should my letter say?
I've written three books, but will I make it to number four?
The way my laptop is grinding I don't know.

I wear thick glasses, I'm so blind you see,
The typos we write, right there on screen...

Drinking a large coffee, living in the Writer's Paradise
Emailing my book to me, living in the Writer's Paradise
Getting psyched about new mail, living in the Writer's Paradise
Sad face when I see it's from me, living in the Writer's Paradise

E-books and the print books, print books and the E-books
Plot points, index cards and opening hooks,
Everybody's writing, but half of them self-pubbing
I read Pub Lunch, but I don't know what's selling,

They say I got to learn, all those agent blogs to teach me,
If their guidelines all conflicting, how can they reach me?
I guess they can't; I guess they won't,
They form reject; that's why I gotta keep the day job, muse!

Drinking a large coffee, living in the Writer's Paradise
Emailing my book to me, living in the Writer's Paradise
Getting psyched about new mail, living in the Writer's Paradise
Sad face when I see it's from me, living in the Writer's Paradise

I wear thick glasses, I'm so blind you see,
the typos we write, right there on screen...
I've got thick glasses, I'm so blind you see,
The typos we write, right there on screen...

2 comments:

  1. I, too, have a really inexcusable House Hunters habit. Loved this. Freaking paradise. Yes it is. ;-)

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