Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Inside a Writer's Head

Ooh, I have an idea. Where are the Post-It Notes? Fuck it. I’ll remember it. Dammit. I already forgot it.

This laptop is so slow. Can I buy a new one? I’ve had this one for eight months. I can write it off. It’s like 50 percent writing, 50 percent RedTube. So I can write off half, I guess. Do I even owe taxes? I made thirty-eight dollars from writing last year. I’m not reporting it.

I’ll check my e-mail. Maybe someone made an offer on the book. I better call my agent. It’s been two weeks since we talked. That’s a good non-stalkery time to wait. Saying “my agent” is weird. It sounds uppity. I find myself saying, “the woman who submits my work to publishers.” Really rolls off the tongue.

I should do some outlining. Why bother. Writing sucks. The Onion makes fun of writers a lot. I can’t remember the last book I read. I should just pants it. That’s what geniuses do. I should've gone to law school. Wait. I did go to law school. I SHOULDN'T have gone to law school. 

I have a funny observation. I’ll post it to Facebook. I got 21 Likes for that Facebook joke! I’m good at Facebook. Please kill me.

I’ve seen this episode of Beachfront Bargains. Twice. So much for making a Best Writer Under Forty list. It’s not me, it’s the editors. Hahaha. Seriously, it’s probably me. Or my book. It’s trite. It’s tired. It’s clichéd. I’m terrible. How did my agent even like this? Maybe she didn’t read it. Are my beta readers brain damaged? Why did I write a 620-page book?

Lunchtime. Tuna fish is healthy. But this cheeseburger is delicious.

My characters don’t talk to me. How did this even become a thing? I don’t cry when I kill a character. They’re not real. Maybe I’m a sociopath. More likely a shitty writer whose characters have no life.

I’m so happy about the foreign deal. Did the publisher read it? They probably didn’t even read it. If they read it, they wouldn’t have bought it. I love my foreign publisher. They're the best. 

Good thing I self-published it. Should I self-publish again? I should probably self-publish again. I should never self-publish again. You can wait longer. Don’t be stupid. No one cares where the book comes from. Well some people do. Fuck them. You could be sitting on a gold mine. You could be sitting on a time bomb.

That was a good song.

Can I mention the name of a song in this book? A guy kills another guy for the lyrics to a song. That’s a good idea for a book. Wait. It’s probably been done. I’m too dumb to craft a mystery novel. All the clues.

First plot point. Goes right here. 

I’m on page fifty of this book. The one about the murderous singer sounds better. That guy in Star Wars keeps yelling “stay on target.” I should stay on target.

This book is horrible. 

Game of Thrones is on.

No comments:

Post a Comment